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I’m on my way home from school after finishing exam no. 2/3  🙌  the walk home from school is so beautiful and I decided to stop for a while on this bench to write a little and enjoy the view (and because I have chafed feet that needed to rest a little haha). The exam went relatively well which is a relief because this was probably the most difficult of all exams. Also, I wasn’t feeling great this morning either after a rather eventful night.

I usually don’t have nightmares but it is typical that it would happen the very night I’d sleep without having Markus next to me for the first time in months. Now that I think of the dream, it was actually like a good thriller, but when I was in the dream I was so scared. Several murders had taken place and I was at one of the murder scenes. Everyone told me I knew who the murderer was and they tried to help me “remember”, but I couldn’t. All of a sudden, I got flashbacks of the murders that had been committed and I saw everything and I felt everything that the victim and the murderer felt. The dream itself is probably not what scared me, but it was the emotions that I felt so strongly. Fear, panic, evil and anger.

When I have nightmares I usually manage to wake myself up to stop the nightmare, but of course my dreams return to the nightmare as soon as I fall asleep again. The same thing happened last night, but suddenly when I was in the worst “scene” in my nightmare, I woke up because someone rang the doorbell. I’m looking at the clock and it’s 03.45 in the morning. I listened carefully for more sounds and I could hear how someone was pulling the doorhandle. I thought I was already scared after the nightmare but now my fear intensified to maximum! I heard voices outside our window (we live in a townhouse on a street where the nights can be quite messy even though the area is quiet). I just couldn’t stand it anymore and I called Markus crying. The poor thing had come home to Finland in the middle of the night and was going to work early in the morning. But I couldn’t stop myself from calling him, I was terrified at this point. I was not even sure if someone had actually entered the house and I was too scared to check! But he stayed with me on the phone for an hour until I could fall asleep again. What a sweet husband I have.

Apparently, you can dream of murders if you e.g. underestimate your own potential, which really fits well with how I feel right now with all the exams that I have to do. I love my program in university and I am passionate about the subject but my program is a so-called “luxury program” which means that you study for three years without actually becoming anything. You only get more knowledge about how the world works, but it really does not give me a specific skill. A thought has occupied my mind since I started at the university, though I don’t know how true it is, that if I have top grades then people will perhaps hire me even though I’ve only done a “luxury program”. And that results in me putting a lot of pressure on myself.

The nightmare might simply just have to do with the fact that I’m watching about 3 episodes of “Pretty Little Liars” every day, which is very similar to my dream 😅 anyway it was just a dream, thankfully nobody came into the house and the exam went well. So I’m grateful for a good day even though it started a bit shaky. However, now I will continue my walk and hope that I will survive without too many blisters on my way home 🙏